My therapist told me that I should open a writing thing or piece of paper to write whatever comes to mind when I'm unhappy. So this really isn't necessary for anyone to actually read.
Ugh, Ever since I got back Sunday, I've been really wanted to draw. But Mostly everything that I've come out with I dislike. I feel useless and drawing is really the only thing that I CAN do right. But even now, my mood is having a huge impact of both inspiration and will for me to actually plug in my tablet and start a worthwhile project. And I'm just sitting here wondering about all the things that I could do instead; but my mood is just crushing every little idea. I really hate going to the therapist which I have an appointment for tomorrow. Mostly because I only said yes to going in the first place was because she supposedly was a gender therapist. But so many weeks later I find out that she has no experience with that at all. So that's all fine and dandy.
I just feel like there's always going to be plans in my life. But just because you make plans, doesn't mean they're going to just happen. So many things stress and make me worry. I no longer really know how to talk to people, make friends- bluh bluh. Everyone who I've called friends in person just drift away from me and forget. Though when I see them without them asking, they complain about never seeing me and saying that they miss me. Friendship kind of requires communication you know. But yeah, spending so much time just automatically feeling as if people are looking down and judging you; and in response, you just push yourself away before they have a chance to is really hard. It hurts alot. And going to the extend of only having your stupid computer as company and art as some minor thing to feel self worth. It's not a good feeling in my opinion. And I don't know what to do.
I'm terrified of highschool and want to get out and into college as fast as I can. But I just don't connect with people my age and just don't know how to be interesting to talk to. And I feel like a hypocrite when people online come to me asking for someone to talk to and help. When I somehow manage to help them feel better when I can't even help myself.