So as time pressed on, I began to get desperate, searching out other artists to look up to and learn to be like in hopes of someday achieving something of my own that I could be proud of and happy with. Jealousy is ugly. That aspiration gradually turned into envy and instead of trying to learn from them, I ended up practically duplicating their styles and it was quickly spiraling out of hand like fire to pine needles. I won't lie, it was stupid, I am stupid, and nobody deserved to have what I inflicted on them. I'm sorry. I understand how you're dissapointed, angry, and probably flaming me while I'm writing this; I'm dissapointed too. I deserve it. It'd been kept so close and compact in my conscience, a secret that I wanted to just throw out and forget. But I was so afraid, and overall extremely ashamed of myself for being so clueless and naive. Sure, I cried once I managed to even vocalize to a close friend of what I had done and spilled everything over the phone, I felt like crying when I first saw that this had finally come to light from someone else's mouth; hell I even threw up cereal from the thought of it during school. Which was gross, but is beside the point.
I've made so many mistakes over my three years here on deviantart, some worse than others; we all make mistakes. It's what makes us human, but the least of what comes from them other than negativity is that through it; we can learn. I know that it hasn't been very long, and that people will probably never understand, will never forgive me. But know that I apologize and hope for us to go our separate ways just fine, I cannot force a person to like me or to change their mind about me. It's okay, I understand. But I want you all to know just how sorry I am for all of this. I'm sorry if I've ever done anything to hurt your feelings or make you feel belittled in any way. I'm sorry for what I've done, what I've even led myself to believe, and for being a disappointment to you. I want nothing else to do with my past errors and idiotic choices; to be allowed to keep on growing and learning to be the best person that I can be and to become the artist that I want to be at my own pace. To stop hiding behind other people's ideas and talent or using them as stepping stools in hopes of learning. Because that's just not how it works.
I've only always had this account since the very first time I'd learned of the site's existence-
and I think that maybe it could be time for a fresh start.
But if I do, feel free to follow me if you're on the lookout for tracing.
But keep in mind that you'll only be wasting your time because that's not ever happening again.
It's a new year, and I'm letting all that guilt slip off my shoulders once and for all.
The respected artists will be credited below.
Edit: Wow, thankyou all for being so civil in response to this and I am so relieved that you all are sticking with me through the thick and thin.
It seriously drove me to tears and I can't thank you enough for believing in me. ;;