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Submitted on
December 13, 2012


15 (who?)

Vent. Avert your eyes.

Journal Entry: Thu Dec 13, 2012, 10:18 PM

I feel like a moron because of my depression, I can't focus, it made me physically sick for most of my 7-8th grade, and I've felt behind in school since. Having the worst possible expectations of what I do, expecting myself to fail no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to succeed in life; but thanks to my brain not working properly because that's what depression does and I am not yet medicated, there is nothing I can do but continue pushing and being pushed to the point of falling apart and giving up. And trust me, I don't want to fall apart nor give up, but it is and feels like the easiest option; not that I will.

My art upsets me so incredibly much. It's my calm place, my haven of comfort, something that I can spend countless hours on and feel no guilt by doing it. But I barely have time for anything relieving anymore; I barely have time to even nap. I'm sitting here with my body convulsing and my eyes sore and probably red; and I'm only typing this because I'm too unintelligible to explain this allowed. Not that I have anyone to talk to since I doubt anyone wants to hear what I have to say if it's not about them or good news.

So I left my lgbtq group early because of another anxiety which tends to always creep back over me. I feel completely invisible in a crowd and honestly, I feel a sense of shock come over me when anyone talks to me; brief or not. But yeah, I don't know if I'll continue going because I don't know why I would go somewhere, where nobody bothers to even make eye contact. I don't feel welcome nor accepted in any group ever actually. But it upsets me greatly because I've always felt ignored. Not worth anyone's time, and only to appear in someone's life before I get forgotten. And subconsciously, sometimes I've pushed away from people so then it won't hurt as much when they forget that I exist.

Since I am unmediated, no matter what I want or what anyone tells me; my brain won't allow me to honestly believe anything good will happen for me ever. If I just sit there quietly with a vacant face, it's probably because my mind is going about having me mentally tell myself that I'm worthless, pointless, and nobody will ever save me. Whether I feel independent enough to save myself. And it's hard. I want to be successful, I want to not be disgusted every time I look in the mirror, I want to have friends, to be normal, to laugh about normal teenage things.

But I just-- don't know how to help myself. I don't want to be a failure.

I'm going to go to bed though, my eyes, my arm (from drawing two vials of blood for testing.. hnnng I almost fainted), and I am going to pass out from stress if that's even possible. If it is, them i'm all for it. See you'

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Bleedprettily Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm so sorry to read this.
Kyle, you are so important and worthy of recognition. I know it's hard to feel self worth at times, I dealt with horrible depression all through high school. I had some awful things happening both at home and school and I found it really hard to love myself the way I should have. It's hard to see 'normal' people and be on the outside, I know all too well. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in before I finally came to a few conclusions. It's not that anyone doesn't want to talk to you, or approach you, or make eye contact. It's not you, I promise you. It's that people, as a whole, are innately self-absorbed. They aren't approaching you because they're too busy worrying about how they seem, or how they look, or what other people are thinking about them. People like attention, and sometimes you have to make the first move. It seems so hard, and at first it is. I have a really high fight or flight response, so when I'm in a new social situation I am usually amped on adrenaline. My palms sweat, my heart races, and my eyes get shifty. It's taken me a lot of time and effort to get through that, and to learn how to control myself. It still happens sometimes but I can work through it without too much of a problem now.

If you want to be a little more social, I think you should attempt to outreach. Maybe approach someone who piques your interest and compliment (or ask) something about them. Their hair, outfit, anything. Ask them a question about it (where did you get that? Who/where cut your hair?) and then attempt to relate, tell them something about you. And smile. People like smiling. That's my best advice, and usually it's a pattern that works fairly well for me.

Maybe I'm just saying things you already know, but I want you to know that you're not a failure. I don't have to know you IRL to know that. You're a good person from what I've seen, and that alone screams success. I'm here if you need me.
Nyra-kitty Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ik how you feel </3
as far as i can tell, your an amazing person. dont give up, continue with your art if it makes u happy, make it your bright future. your AMAZING at it! dont let asshats at school get u down, they arent worth the thought. i think i speak for everyone reading this when i say, YOU ARE WORTH IT. dont give up <33
tsunarulu Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Student Digital Artist
listen kyle. if you want to talk to someone experienced. I'm here for you. cause hontestly last year I had these darn problems too. but I promise you. when you are done with your finals. A lot of pressure will disappear on your shoulders. you are 15 soon 16? right?
you will enter a new world of more mature people around you who will meet your maturity better. cause you have been on a long road to figure out your identity. you have thought about it millions of times more than most people and therefore you are way ahead and I can understand that EVERYTHING can cause a depression so easily. I had suicide thoughts for more than 2 years during 8th and 9th grade. I also fell behind and I am still behind but tell you what. you are on that level you are and you should be proud you haven't jumped off a bridge yet. cause I almost did but now I am so happy I didn't trust me.
In a situation like this i just fucked it all. I said to myself "youknow what. I dont care about what that card of grades says. I wont risk my health for this shit. itll be alright cause I have family and I have firends. both online and irl. you can always go and retake some subjects later in life.
dont rush it. you are still young~
StringsOnABunny Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
Baw my baby.
You sound exactly like me- so message me when ever you feel like, because I understand everything you're going through. I've been there, and that's not me just trying to comfort you and be all "oh pat pat we've all been there."

Not everyone understand, but I do. So I'm always here for you <3
I'm quite busy with college but if you ever message me I WILL get back to you. :') Being busy just means I'm not really on MSN anymore x'D bah.

Just keep rollin along. I'm here for you. <3 I'll push you if I have to. xD
RainbowEater007 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Artist

I believe you don't have to change for anyone, our imperfections make us who we are.. And if someone needs them to go away.. Then they aren't worth it.. I haven't been following you forever.. But i do know one thing.. You're a great artist.. And you inspire people. I'm sure if a lot of people here met you in real life, they would think you are even more amazing.. You seem like an awesome person.. And don't ever change that about yourself.. Because despite your flaws and the mistakes you have made, it will all be worth it and it all has a meaning.. Never give up hope.

RainbowEater <3
shattered-remnant Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to say I know what its like to feel ignored. Half the time for me, I've chosen that because they won't acknowledge me, I won't acknowledge them, and basically its left me as an outcast. My venting is all driven to the piano and I sit there like a forever alone boy everday playing for several hours. It sucks. I have friends I can hang out with, but honestly I feel like I'm a nuisance to them. A waste of their breath. So your not all alone okay? If you need to get stuff off your chest do it, I was always a listener when my friends had problems, which by the way, was never good and never involved me. My grades are below shit and I stress out about them SO FREAKING MUCH but I am a lazy fuck and never ever do any of it and I just sit there saying "I should really do this shit" but I can't I just stare at it all fuckin night man. That's my life for ya....

basically kyle, believe me your not alone. I think we all have these issues, but its still sometimes good to surround yourself with people. for some reason it makes you feel better, I don't understand how but it really does. So just hang in there kay?
VioletteMusicluver Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
omg dude I know how you feel ;A; and you aren't alone.

Things may seem so stressing right now, but that ALWAYS happens. Mostly because school piles up A LOT of situations, not only work from classes.

I want you to know though, that you are loved. They are people who adore you, care about you and even are A FAN of yours! like me e///e

I hope things get better soon. I love you :hug:
Vorentox Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know exactly how you feel.

Although you must be getting thousands of comments saying the same thing i'm about to know, right?

Depression is awful. I've been through it, occasionally get it now and then. But I know you can pull through. I'm in the same boat as you, along with pretty much everyone else in the world. Some have it better, some have it worse. But its what makes the world go 'round, y'know?

I'm amazed at the courage you have to even join any groups! So congrats on that, I don't have the guts to be open and do that. But nonetheless; you and I are alike. You've probably got thousands of people dying for your attention, desperate to make you feel better, but like what i'm sure most commenters have already said; I'm here for you :)

I'm a new watcher, dunno you all too well, but based on what I can see you're a really great guy :)
You're funny, amazingly talented and you're open :>

I know for a fact that you can get through all this. Feeling unwanted and as though you're easily forgotten? I've been there X'D

But I think you should know, that many people are very much interested in you, just in real life not everyone has the guts to talk to you ;)

Think about it this way; no matter where you go, who you are or what you do, someones interested in you (whether it be for romance or friendship) just most of the time, they don't have the guts to go and introduce themselves X'D

So don't get so worked up! Stress, anxiety, depression- you can get through it all! You're trying, and I think that's all that matters. So keep it up! There are thousands of people here to support you- millions interested in what you have to say, it's just not always easy to find them unless you speak up :)

I'm here for you, because I believe in you :)
Fancy-Tramp Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Oh my gosh, this is making me tear up. Thank you so much. ;-;

:iconsupertighthugplz: And I believe in you too, okay?<3
Vorentox Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
a-amg you replied

You're very much welcome :>

:iconbrohugplz: <333
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