I feel like a moron because of my depression, I can't focus, it made me physically sick for most of my 7-8th grade, and I've felt behind in school since. Having the worst possible expectations of what I do, expecting myself to fail no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to succeed in life; but thanks to my brain not working properly because that's what depression does and I am not yet medicated, there is nothing I can do but continue pushing and being pushed to the point of falling apart and giving up. And trust me, I don't want to fall apart nor give up, but it is and feels like the easiest option; not that I will.
My art upsets me so incredibly much. It's my calm place, my haven of comfort, something that I can spend countless hours on and feel no guilt by doing it. But I barely have time for anything relieving anymore; I barely have time to even nap. I'm sitting here with my body convulsing and my eyes sore and probably red; and I'm only typing this because I'm too unintelligible to explain this allowed. Not that I have anyone to talk to since I doubt anyone wants to hear what I have to say if it's not about them or good news.
So I left my lgbtq group early because of another anxiety which tends to always creep back over me. I feel completely invisible in a crowd and honestly, I feel a sense of shock come over me when anyone talks to me; brief or not. But yeah, I don't know if I'll continue going because I don't know why I would go somewhere, where nobody bothers to even make eye contact. I don't feel welcome nor accepted in any group ever actually. But it upsets me greatly because I've always felt ignored. Not worth anyone's time, and only to appear in someone's life before I get forgotten. And subconsciously, sometimes I've pushed away from people so then it won't hurt as much when they forget that I exist.
Since I am unmediated, no matter what I want or what anyone tells me; my brain won't allow me to honestly believe anything good will happen for me ever. If I just sit there quietly with a vacant face, it's probably because my mind is going about having me mentally tell myself that I'm worthless, pointless, and nobody will ever save me. Whether I feel independent enough to save myself. And it's hard. I want to be successful, I want to not be disgusted every time I look in the mirror, I want to have friends, to be normal, to laugh about normal teenage things.
But I just-- don't know how to help myself. I don't want to be a failure.
I'm going to go to bed though, my eyes, my arm (from drawing two vials of blood for testing.. hnnng I almost fainted), and I am going to pass out from stress if that's even possible. If it is, them i'm all for it. See you'