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Vent. Avert your eyes.

Journal Entry: Thu Dec 13, 2012, 10:18 PM

I feel like a moron because of my depression, I can't focus, it made me physically sick for most of my 7-8th grade, and I've felt behind in school since. Having the worst possible expectations of what I do, expecting myself to fail no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to succeed in life; but thanks to my brain not working properly because that's what depression does and I am not yet medicated, there is nothing I can do but continue pushing and being pushed to the point of falling apart and giving up. And trust me, I don't want to fall apart nor give up, but it is and feels like the easiest option; not that I will.

My art upsets me so incredibly much. It's my calm place, my haven of comfort, something that I can spend countless hours on and feel no guilt by doing it. But I barely have time for anything relieving anymore; I barely have time to even nap. I'm sitting here with my body convulsing and my eyes sore and probably red; and I'm only typing this because I'm too unintelligible to explain this allowed. Not that I have anyone to talk to since I doubt anyone wants to hear what I have to say if it's not about them or good news.

So I left my lgbtq group early because of another anxiety which tends to always creep back over me. I feel completely invisible in a crowd and honestly, I feel a sense of shock come over me when anyone talks to me; brief or not. But yeah, I don't know if I'll continue going because I don't know why I would go somewhere, where nobody bothers to even make eye contact. I don't feel welcome nor accepted in any group ever actually. But it upsets me greatly because I've always felt ignored. Not worth anyone's time, and only to appear in someone's life before I get forgotten. And subconsciously, sometimes I've pushed away from people so then it won't hurt as much when they forget that I exist.

Since I am unmediated, no matter what I want or what anyone tells me; my brain won't allow me to honestly believe anything good will happen for me ever. If I just sit there quietly with a vacant face, it's probably because my mind is going about having me mentally tell myself that I'm worthless, pointless, and nobody will ever save me. Whether I feel independent enough to save myself. And it's hard. I want to be successful, I want to not be disgusted every time I look in the mirror, I want to have friends, to be normal, to laugh about normal teenage things.

But I just-- don't know how to help myself. I don't want to be a failure.

I'm going to go to bed though, my eyes, my arm (from drawing two vials of blood for testing.. hnnng I almost fainted), and I am going to pass out from stress if that's even possible. If it is, them i'm all for it. See you'

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Angsting Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm so sorry to read this.
Kyle, you are so important and worthy of recognition. I know it's hard to feel self worth at times, I dealt with horrible depression all through high school. I had some awful things happening both at home and school and I found it really hard to love myself the way I should have. It's hard to see 'normal' people and be on the outside, I know all too well. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in before I finally came to a few conclusions. It's not that anyone doesn't want to talk to you, or approach you, or make eye contact. It's not you, I promise you. It's that people, as a whole, are innately self-absorbed. They aren't approaching you because they're too busy worrying about how they seem, or how they look, or what other people are thinking about them. People like attention, and sometimes you have to make the first move. It seems so hard, and at first it is. I have a really high fight or flight response, so when I'm in a new social situation I am usually amped on adrenaline. My palms sweat, my heart races, and my eyes get shifty. It's taken me a lot of time and effort to get through that, and to learn how to control myself. It still happens sometimes but I can work through it without too much of a problem now.

If you want to be a little more social, I think you should attempt to outreach. Maybe approach someone who piques your interest and compliment (or ask) something about them. Their hair, outfit, anything. Ask them a question about it (where did you get that? Who/where cut your hair?) and then attempt to relate, tell them something about you. And smile. People like smiling. That's my best advice, and usually it's a pattern that works fairly well for me.

Maybe I'm just saying things you already know, but I want you to know that you're not a failure. I don't have to know you IRL to know that. You're a good person from what I've seen, and that alone screams success. I'm here if you need me.
Nyra-kitty Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ik how you feel </3
as far as i can tell, your an amazing person. dont give up, continue with your art if it makes u happy, make it your bright future. your AMAZING at it! dont let asshats at school get u down, they arent worth the thought. i think i speak for everyone reading this when i say, YOU ARE WORTH IT. dont give up <33
tsunarulu Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Student Digital Artist
listen kyle. if you want to talk to someone experienced. I'm here for you. cause hontestly last year I had these darn problems too. but I promise you. when you are done with your finals. A lot of pressure will disappear on your shoulders. you are 15 soon 16? right?
you will enter a new world of more mature people around you who will meet your maturity better. cause you have been on a long road to figure out your identity. you have thought about it millions of times more than most people and therefore you are way ahead and I can understand that EVERYTHING can cause a depression so easily. I had suicide thoughts for more than 2 years during 8th and 9th grade. I also fell behind and I am still behind but tell you what. you are on that level you are and you should be proud you haven't jumped off a bridge yet. cause I almost did but now I am so happy I didn't trust me.
In a situation like this i just fucked it all. I said to myself "youknow what. I dont care about what that card of grades says. I wont risk my health for this shit. itll be alright cause I have family and I have firends. both online and irl. you can always go and retake some subjects later in life.
dont rush it. you are still young~
StringsOnABunny Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
Baw my baby.
You sound exactly like me- so message me when ever you feel like, because I understand everything you're going through. I've been there, and that's not me just trying to comfort you and be all "oh pat pat we've all been there."

Not everyone understand, but I do. So I'm always here for you <3
I'm quite busy with college but if you ever message me I WILL get back to you. :') Being busy just means I'm not really on MSN anymore x'D bah.

Just keep rollin along. I'm here for you. <3 I'll push you if I have to. xD
RainbowEater007 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Artist

I believe you don't have to change for anyone, our imperfections make us who we are.. And if someone needs them to go away.. Then they aren't worth it.. I haven't been following you forever.. But i do know one thing.. You're a great artist.. And you inspire people. I'm sure if a lot of people here met you in real life, they would think you are even more amazing.. You seem like an awesome person.. And don't ever change that about yourself.. Because despite your flaws and the mistakes you have made, it will all be worth it and it all has a meaning.. Never give up hope.

RainbowEater <3
shattered-remnant Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to say I know what its like to feel ignored. Half the time for me, I've chosen that because they won't acknowledge me, I won't acknowledge them, and basically its left me as an outcast. My venting is all driven to the piano and I sit there like a forever alone boy everday playing for several hours. It sucks. I have friends I can hang out with, but honestly I feel like I'm a nuisance to them. A waste of their breath. So your not all alone okay? If you need to get stuff off your chest do it, I was always a listener when my friends had problems, which by the way, was never good and never involved me. My grades are below shit and I stress out about them SO FREAKING MUCH but I am a lazy fuck and never ever do any of it and I just sit there saying "I should really do this shit" but I can't I just stare at it all fuckin night man. That's my life for ya....

basically kyle, believe me your not alone. I think we all have these issues, but its still sometimes good to surround yourself with people. for some reason it makes you feel better, I don't understand how but it really does. So just hang in there kay?
VioletteMusicluver Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
omg dude I know how you feel ;A; and you aren't alone.

Things may seem so stressing right now, but that ALWAYS happens. Mostly because school piles up A LOT of situations, not only work from classes.

I want you to know though, that you are loved. They are people who adore you, care about you and even are A FAN of yours! like me e///e

I hope things get better soon. I love you :hug:
Vorentox Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know exactly how you feel.

Although you must be getting thousands of comments saying the same thing i'm about to know, right?

Depression is awful. I've been through it, occasionally get it now and then. But I know you can pull through. I'm in the same boat as you, along with pretty much everyone else in the world. Some have it better, some have it worse. But its what makes the world go 'round, y'know?

I'm amazed at the courage you have to even join any groups! So congrats on that, I don't have the guts to be open and do that. But nonetheless; you and I are alike. You've probably got thousands of people dying for your attention, desperate to make you feel better, but like what i'm sure most commenters have already said; I'm here for you :)

I'm a new watcher, dunno you all too well, but based on what I can see you're a really great guy :)
You're funny, amazingly talented and you're open :>

I know for a fact that you can get through all this. Feeling unwanted and as though you're easily forgotten? I've been there X'D

But I think you should know, that many people are very much interested in you, just in real life not everyone has the guts to talk to you ;)

Think about it this way; no matter where you go, who you are or what you do, someones interested in you (whether it be for romance or friendship) just most of the time, they don't have the guts to go and introduce themselves X'D

So don't get so worked up! Stress, anxiety, depression- you can get through it all! You're trying, and I think that's all that matters. So keep it up! There are thousands of people here to support you- millions interested in what you have to say, it's just not always easy to find them unless you speak up :)

I'm here for you, because I believe in you :)
Fancy-Tramp Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Oh my gosh, this is making me tear up. Thank you so much. ;-;

:iconsupertighthugplz: And I believe in you too, okay?<3
Vorentox Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
a-amg you replied

You're very much welcome :>

:iconbrohugplz: <333
Fancy-Tramp Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I try my best to reply; but the least I can do is read everything ;o; //it'sreallyhardtokeepup orz

Vorentox Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahh- I see :D

GrimmAssassin Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
*Hug* If you ever need an ear to vent to feel free to contact me. I know how distorted the world becomes when depression hits, and sometimes it just takes rambling on about everything that has happened and could possibly happen in the future to feel alright.

I wish you the best and I hope that even if you don't talk to me, you talk to someone. Even if it's just a conversation about puppies or invisible dinosaurs, talking just to talk still helps.

Anyway, I'm always here for you :3
TeleportingLemonDrop Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
I'm not good at talking about things, but I'm so sorry you feel this way. Depression sucks, but don't blame yourself for something outside your control. In my case, I got help quickly, but I had to leave my school because of the pressure I put on myself.
Your art is amazing, and you are an awesome person, and I'm so sorry you have to go about life feeling this way about yourself. And any people that forget you exist are messed-up. If people ignore you, find new people.
Make yourself noticed. Make plans for your future, make an impact. I know it's hard, but just try. If you feel you're worthless (which you aren't) do something that will give you a sense of self worth. I know it's hard, but just try. If you feel you can't, I'm so sorry- being untreated for your depression must be hard, but tell someone and hopefully you'll get help.
Like I said, I'm crap at talking to people about things, but just know I support you. :hug:
Twilightsoma Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
your an amazing digital artist man i love seeing your work keep going your brillent :D
BloodRedSilentSnow Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
I know how you feel and what you are going through. I know you probably have heard this before, but I just want you to know that if you want someone to talk to about anything, I am here.
HelloAthena Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your journal. These comments. Let's all drink coffee and vent about depression together someday.
I know how this feels, WAIT I'm not trying to put myself on your level, but you probably won't take what I say to heart.
Youre really fortunate to be getting support and love from people, I shit you not Kyle. I'm not gonna say that it gets better because we all know that's a load of crap until it actually does get better and then you agree with the phrase, but then months later it starts again and that sort of mentality just disappears. Am I making any sense? Ok I need to stop. Anyways, I'm not sure that we share the same flaws that is depression and anxiety, so if I told you to message me or something would probably be useless. But idunno, whatever floats your boat. :iconkanjilikesdudesplz:
Tuckashura Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
Hey Kyle, so I've never really commented on anything of yours because I figured that it wasn't necessary. There are so many people here reminding you of how amazing you and your art is. I usually read your journals and favorite a lot of your art because it's really fantastic. When I saw the title of this journal, I had to read it. "Vent" I've drawn so much of it lately that the mere mention of the word grabs my attention. As I started to read this, I noticed that it sounded like what I'm going through, and as I continue to read... I found it, almost scary how incredibly close it is to how I feel. I've been trying to express how I feel in someway with words, and this journal is just...incredibly the same way in which I feel and what I do. I know how much I've needed someone to talk to about how I feel, but I don't really have anyone that understands it.
So, in the most sincere manner: Message me (a complete stranger oTL) if you wanna talk. I'm here~
LocomotiveGiraffe Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
Kyle, dude. I know that nothing I say can really help you out much but you've got an entire community of people behind you. People that have felt like shit too and are willing to help and listen. Depression sucks (I know) and if you want to talk to someone you can always add me on Skype or just message me here.
I think my username is Kyrathegiraffe but I'll check as soon as I'm home.
SnowingSanctuary Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's okay. Even if you don't think so, eventually things are going to be okay. Your going to get through this, maybe not now, maybe not later. But you will even if you don't think so.
Demifou Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
Awwwwwh!!!! Kyle, I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time!!! I know it really sucks to feel how you do!! Just remember that there is always at least one person who is truly there for you!! You're so talented and amazing and never forget that, even if you don't know many of us, we all still love you!! I hope you figure everything out soon because you're just fantastic!!!! Keep your head up, hun!!!<3
BlubberBooty Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Though I don't really have much I know to say babu, you know how much I love you and I know for a fact you're not a failure and never will be. And you're never invisible to me, I love you. I'm always here if you want to talk, and heck I'm gonna be in that attic of yours soon enough when I come and visit you to party ;3; *plusbabu,lookatallthesewonderfulpeopletryingtohelpoutweallloveyou* <'33333 *brb,gottaaddmorelovingnesstothisletterofyoursI'mstillwriting~*
ilu <3 you're one of my dearest friends and you've always been there when I've needed someone; so I'mma be right here for you too! -And omg, I nearly fainted when I had my bloods done too... but that's just mainly from the fact the nurse savaged the wrong arm with a needle and not it has a scar pftttt-
LittleMissAlexius Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It really sucks, it does. I can say I feel the same way about those things, feeling ignored and so on. But remember, you can alway, ALWAYS, no matter what it is that you have on your heart talk to me. I'll be there and listen. I've said it many times but oh god how I wish I lived close to you and not across the friggin' ocean! I'll always be here, rememeber that sweeatheart:heart:
RipVanWinkle316 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't have anything as amazing as the previous messages to say to you. But uhh.. I think you're really cool and brave, and I wish I knew you in real life. I definitely know that you can get through this, but I hope that you can get the help you need. I love your art and your writings. <3
Hahaha I doubt this helped any, but we all love you! c:
S3MP1TERNAL Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student General Artist
depression really sucks. trust me, I know how it feels too. it seems easier to give up, but...
I always took one good piece of advice. there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Corny, yeah, but that one bit of advice gave me solace to push through a tough spot.
I hope it helps for you, too, Kyle. Don't give up! :iconbrohugplz:
Aster-the-Badass Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Depression.... Yes. It is indeed a terrible feeling. But you know what got me to stop being in your position right now? I realized ONE thing. And that thing is that NO MATTER WHAT mistake you make, NO MATTER WHAT kind of person you are, NO MATTER WHAT kind of failure you are, NO. MATTER. WHAT. You will always be the master of your own fate. ONLY YOU can defeat your own demons. You are the player. Life is the game. Cheat if you have to, Lose a few lives if you have to, and if you lose, try again. JUST DON'T. EVER. QUIT.
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IzzyIsHalfDino Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist
Whenever people talk to me at school or even if they're just asking a question I get so happy that they talk to me its crazy.
Most of the time I'm quiet because I have a commentary in my head instead of talking. Most of my "friends" have ditched me but I like to think that they weren't even worth it.
But i'll tell you to stay strong you'll eventually be happy, I know thats really corny n stuff but true.
Im still trying to be happy, at the moment it's my life goal.
So keep on trying and I know if you talk to some people they'll see how awesome you are c:
Because all it takes is practice and then you suddenly get comfortable talking to others and you make friends :'D
yaoifreak528 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
i am too shy i dont talk to alot of people like in my school no 1 looks at me nor talks to me no 1 likes to set next to me, im just a little quiet girl and i had experience with depression so i know how you feel too. and i argee with "whitezombii" you need to have a HUG MEETING with your watchers and take a day off and sleep, you are in amazing persone you are very very VERY! talented and hilarious you inspire so many people we all love you so much :huggle: and plz dont stop drawing your work is Beauitful, Amazing, Crazy, no words can say on how amazing your work is x) and you can always talk us we are alway there for you x3
SoulStainedBlue Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
*hugs* I'm so sorry ya feel so bad. depression sucks dirt, i been there a few times. an i know what ya mean bout school, i hardly have time for my art with all my classes and extra assignments x.x I really hope things look up soon, I know they will someday. just think, one day ya wont have ta worry bout school at all! :3
InotNedloh Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student Digital Artist
...I've always been too shy to talk to people I don't exactly know, but I feel like I should say something here...
I don't exactly have first hand experience with depression, but I know my brother has it, and it was pretty horrifying to watch him go through it. Honestly, I think the best thing you need at the moment is someone who is there for you, like a best friend, whoever that may be, someone in a positive attitude. What I did is every day try and get my brother to go on a walk outside, just to look around and be around people.
that took a while, but it really seemed to help. So, maybe you can go outside for a walk with a friend, but not really alone.. :c Just like, be with a friend, so you're not really thinking, so your mind can't attack you like it is...

And even though online, you're going to get all of this love and sympathy from people, the thing that is really going to help is getting outside and doing something with someone you can be yourself with. c:
I have a guidance councilor, because almost every month my life seems to fall to hell, and she gave me this sentence/quote/thing: "This week I want you to come in and tell me one thing that just really stood out to you. A 'wow' moment. It can be simple, just something that really makes you stop for a second."

So, there's my little bit of advice, from some girl you've never met or talked to ever .__.; You don't at all have to reply ^-^ but if any of this helps you, I'm glad to have helped!

Ps: please never stop doing your art, it is so amazing and shiny and beautiful and everything. ;3; I look up to you and your art skills
:huggle: [asdsf sorry this message is so long ; ;]
whitezombii Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student General Artist
I think what you need is a HUGE MEETING of all your devart watchers so we can all tell you how amazingly talented and hilarious you are. I really admire you and your art; you make me laugh too<3 I've always thought you were super cool.

I can't say not to feel like this, since it's not something that someone can tell you to just STOP. I can only say to be confident as you can, because YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND YOU WILL BE GREAT IN LIFE. <3 <3

We all feel neglected at times, but eventually we find a place where we can be ourselves and people won't judge us for it. I think you just need to find that place and then you'll see how good you can feel. It's something that passes, no matter how long it takes. There is no such thing as a day without clouds. Somewhere in the sky there are always going to be clouds, because that's just what a day brings.

Just take a day off, get a lot of sleep, drink some hot cocoa or something, and relax; I think you really need some peace and quiet if you're convulsing and hurting this badly. :c

RINNY LOVES YOU. <3333333333333333333333333333


WatchOutIGotASpoon Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've never commented on anything of yours before, but I've been a watcher for quite a while, and I feel like I need to say something now.
You have a gift. School sucks. People are jerks sometimes. Actually, most times. And you do belong. Everyone here cares about you. I do, and I've never even met you. It's just a matter of finding the right people who will care about you no matter what.
I may not know much, and if you think I'm a pretentious ass, then that's fine, but I do know that you inspire me. And I'm sure that other people feel the same. And that's something other people can only dream of.
Don't give up.
I believe in you.
unsteadily Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012   General Artist
You can always talk to me about anything, good or bad... I've had depression since I was in middle school, so maybe I can relate a bit? I know that our experiences are incredibly different, but I'd like to try to help in any way possible, even if that means just listening. People care a lot about you, you're a very special person, and I'm so, so sorry that you can't see that. You are worth everything: yours and others' time and effort, the love and happiness that you deserve.
unsteadily Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012   General Artist
And everyone at the group really likes you, people are just afraid to approach people who don't talk to them first. You most certainly belong there :heart:
DUBI0U5 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't feel that way.
There are people that really admire you.
I'm one of them.

You're a wonderful person and I talk about you to my friends all the time even though they have no idea who you are.
I'd be the first to start your fanclub if there was one that existed in real life.

Chin up, okay?
You're awesome.
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Yupso Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
aww =(
I'm sorry
i'm always willing to talk you know

i hope you sleep well and feel better
Scriddles Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
Kyle, you mustn't feel badly because of your depression. Depression is nothing to be ashamed about... sometimes it just happens...

I, personally, don't think you should quit your lgbtq group. You need to stay around people. The more you pull away and withdraw yourself, the worse things will probably get. Trust me, I know from experience. <:c

Also, you should try looking at positive art, watching positive videos, or looking at Tumblr posts that reinforce the fact that you CAN do better in your studies, that you CAN achieve whatever you want... maybe that will give you more self confidence, and a little self confidence can go a long way. :)

I'm terribly sorry that I am not being very helpful at the moment. I just... I don't really know what to say half the time to try and make people feel better, but I try my best. I do hope that you feel better soon... Also, perhaps you should tell a school counselor or a therapist exactly what you just told us... maybe then they could also help to make you feel better.

Best wishes,
Scriddles :huggle:
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