Vent. Avert your eyes.

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I feel like a moron because of my depression, I can't focus, it made me physically sick for most of my 7-8th grade, and I've felt behind in school since. Having the worst possible expectations of what I do, expecting myself to fail no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to succeed in life; but thanks to my brain not working properly because that's what depression does and I am not yet medicated, there is nothing I can do but continue pushing and being pushed to the point of falling apart and giving up. And trust me, I don't want to fall apart nor give up, but it is and feels like the easiest option; not that I will.

My art upsets me so incredibly much. It's my calm place, my haven of comfort, something that I can spend countless hours on and feel no guilt by doing it. But I barely have time for anything relieving anymore; I barely have time to even nap. I'm sitting here with my body convulsing and my eyes sore and probably red; and I'm only typing this because I'm too unintelligible to explain this allowed. Not that I have anyone to talk to since I doubt anyone wants to hear what I have to say if it's not about them or good news.

So I left my lgbtq group early because of another anxiety which tends to always creep back over me. I feel completely invisible in a crowd and honestly, I feel a sense of shock come over me when anyone talks to me; brief or not. But yeah, I don't know if I'll continue going because I don't know why I would go somewhere, where nobody bothers to even make eye contact. I don't feel welcome nor accepted in any group ever actually. But it upsets me greatly because I've always felt ignored. Not worth anyone's time, and only to appear in someone's life before I get forgotten. And subconsciously, sometimes I've pushed away from people so then it won't hurt as much when they forget that I exist.

Since I am unmediated, no matter what I want or what anyone tells me; my brain won't allow me to honestly believe anything good will happen for me ever. If I just sit there quietly with a vacant face, it's probably because my mind is going about having me mentally tell myself that I'm worthless, pointless, and nobody will ever save me. Whether I feel independent enough to save myself. And it's hard. I want to be successful, I want to not be disgusted every time I look in the mirror, I want to have friends, to be normal, to laugh about normal teenage things.

But I just-- don't know how to help myself. I don't want to be a failure.

I'm going to go to bed though, my eyes, my arm (from drawing two vials of blood for testing.. hnnng I almost fainted), and I am going to pass out from stress if that's even possible. If it is, them i'm all for it. See you'

© 2012 - 2024 Fancy-Tramp
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Mikkhos's avatar
I'm so sorry to read this.
Kyle, you are so important and worthy of recognition. I know it's hard to feel self worth at times, I dealt with horrible depression all through high school. I had some awful things happening both at home and school and I found it really hard to love myself the way I should have. It's hard to see 'normal' people and be on the outside, I know all too well. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in before I finally came to a few conclusions. It's not that anyone doesn't want to talk to you, or approach you, or make eye contact. It's not you, I promise you. It's that people, as a whole, are innately self-absorbed. They aren't approaching you because they're too busy worrying about how they seem, or how they look, or what other people are thinking about them. People like attention, and sometimes you have to make the first move. It seems so hard, and at first it is. I have a really high fight or flight response, so when I'm in a new social situation I am usually amped on adrenaline. My palms sweat, my heart races, and my eyes get shifty. It's taken me a lot of time and effort to get through that, and to learn how to control myself. It still happens sometimes but I can work through it without too much of a problem now.

If you want to be a little more social, I think you should attempt to outreach. Maybe approach someone who piques your interest and compliment (or ask) something about them. Their hair, outfit, anything. Ask them a question about it (where did you get that? Who/where cut your hair?) and then attempt to relate, tell them something about you. And smile. People like smiling. That's my best advice, and usually it's a pattern that works fairly well for me.

Maybe I'm just saying things you already know, but I want you to know that you're not a failure. I don't have to know you IRL to know that. You're a good person from what I've seen, and that alone screams success. I'm here if you need me.
♥♥♥